I've been living my life wrong.
Part of me always knew this about myself... in the back of my mind, at the least, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Let me explain.
First of all, today was quite lovely! Acting class started the day off, as usual. Poor Mary Joan (our professor, in case you didn't know) had lost her voice, but we still were able to start a new project- One acts! I was cast as a character named Kitty in a one act called "Perfect."
After that was my philosophy discussion... and I could barely stay awake the entire time... So I went back to my dorm and took a nap. That might've been the reason the rest of my day was able to turn around so fast, come to think of it! After that I got some exercise for once, and spent the remaining part of the hour roaming around the Farmer's Market, getting myself some healthy snacks :)
Ok. So then I went to meet up with Mary Joan for her office hours. We spent an hour talking and reviewing the notes from my performance for the Neutral Scenes that we did for a grade. And that's where she finally told me to my face what I needed to hear: I am judging myself far too much, and it's keeping me back.
It's so true. I'm a worry wart and a control freak. I knew that, but I didn't see before what a problem it was presenting in my acting... and in my life! Why am I so worried about doing everything "right" instead of just going out and enjoying life! It's ok to not know things, and it's ok not to be in control of things. That's how I learn, and learning should excite me, whenever there's something I don't know, or that isn't quite working. But I'll never know unless I go for broke and stop judging myself for everything I do. On top of all that, I need to get my priorities straight. What is it I really want to focus on in my studies? In what I do in general? all these things I'm doing in college aren't just more things to add to my To Do List: They need to be things that excite me and that I don't need motivation to do.... does that make sense? I guess, to simplify... IF there's something I'm doing here that I'm truly passionate about, then it's ok to prioritize that in my life. It's ok to not be perfect at everything, as long as you know you aren't.
And to top it all off... I've been taking life for granted. Isn't that horribly ironic? I've always considered myself an optimist who loves life and enjoys living in general. Plus, with losing Walker so recently... You'd think I'd have such a good grasp on how wonderful life really is. But I've been just going through each day thinking about what it contained instead of what it really was: an opportunity and a fresh start. I think this is part of the reason why I haven't been so enthusiastic about learning either. Life is full of things to explore. Learning about it should excite me! Shouldn't it? At any rate, it will if I can look at life from a different perspective... as a gift and a privilege and full of mystery and possibility. And truly looking for something new to learn with each day that goes by.
I've been trying to do too much, these past few months. I don't have to do it all. Now... I guess I just have to decide what I want to do most. What is actually important to me? What am I ok with letting slide, or not giving my full attention to?
All in all... it's hard to explain. But it was quite an epiphany... and still is! My goal for the rest of the semester (and perhaps for a long time after) will be to get in a habit of looking at life with a bright perspective, no matter what, and to stop my constant self-evaluation (unless it's really needed) so I can "go for broke" in all I do (not literally. Don't worry. I'll take care of my money!).
Besides all this, Mary Joan was super encouraging to me. She told me I was doing great in the class and that I have an actor's intuition, which means the world to me. I think I just really needed to hear that affirmation that I'm doing well here, and that I'm fitting in and holding my own amongst all these talented, incredible people I'm surrounded by. I'm so grateful and glad I got to spend the time with her to hear what she had to say.
You know... I'm grateful for this entire semester.
But the day goes on, especially since I was feeling so much better about myself and life and... everything! I got lunch at Parkside, made a detour through the School of Fine Arts, and then went to the Philosophy library before my Philosophy class. I was able to pay more attention this time, and even caught a way to oppose an argument, which made me proud of me.
Jinny went to dinner with me, though we caught up with Jessie and Kieryn while we were in EVK. They're so great :) Then it was off to the theater!!
Tonight we had our first audience. It was an open Dress Rehearsal, so there were about 20-30 people who came to get a sneak preview of the show before it officially opens tomorrow.
I had a blast. Zach and Jeff, the boys that crew on stage left, are really funny and fun to hang out with! I've been spending more time on stage left too, so I've gotten to talk to them many a time. We're a great dishwashing crew too. We've got a whole system of how we get the dishes done nowadays, and we used to be pretty fast at it until they changed the champagne glasses. Now they're harder to clean and carry :P
Also, remember those Toffee Almonds I was raving about yesterday? The girl that plays Lady Windemere, Natalie, heard me and some of my friends on the costume crew talking about them and being super excited about them, so she bought some for all us crew members!!! It was really sweet of her! :)
I'm so excited for the show to open... and I'm not even in the cast! Just the crew! I hope people like it a lot.
Anyways, I've been back in my dorm room for a while now. Got ready for bed, did my nails while working on my Spanish project, and tomorrow I'm going to spend nearly all the day scrambling to get this Spanish project done. Oh well. I did the important part tonight, which is what matters, right?
That part of the project was watching a Spanish movie, actually. I watched "Medianeras," which translates to "Sidewalls." It was a really cute movie. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would! So go ahead and check that out if you're looking for a really sweet romance.
I really hope that all I'm learning, both today and anything I might've learned before now, will stick with me. I don't want to forget anything... but I don't know how to remember best. Maybe writing it down here helps? Maybe that's just how life works: we need constant reminders because it's impossible to ever remember fully? Maybe I just...will remember?
My other worry is about my Christian life... I've felt my gaze slipping from God so often this past week or two. I just constantly forget about his presence around me, or I don't pay attention to him, or I just forget to spend any good, quality time with Him. Prayers for that would be great, which is why I'm telling you all. If you have time, or are thinking of me, pray that I'll be constantly, annoyingly reminded of God's presence here on campus and with me, and that I'll be able to grow closer to Him, even in the midst of all the busyness that happens here.
...I'm really grateful for all of you. Thank you for taking the time to read about me. I love you <3
And because you're all so wonderful, I'll try to switch up tomorrow's blog. I've been wanting to do a blog in pictures one of these days... Maybe that'll be tomorrow? It'll happen sometime this weekend; I want to show you all the theater!!!
Ok, now I'm just rambling. I think it's time to get some sleep.
Fight on, friends
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