I'll admit it, I'm scared of a lot of things. Losing loved ones, Death, tornadoes, throwing up, spiders, deadlines, you name it. There's a lot.
But you know what else scares me? That feeling you get when you suddenly realize that everything as you know it, right in the moment, will soon never the same again.
I mean, I'm sitting here in my dorm room, as I've done nearly every single day for the past 9 months, and I'm suddenly realizing that someday very soon, in only 13 days, actually, I'm going to leave this dorm room forever and I'll never have an experience like this ever again. I'm still going to be a college kid, I'll still be at USC, but things will never, ever be the same as they are right now. This is a moment in time that cannot be duplicated.
And you know what's scarier? This is a moment in time that I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss this- right here, right now, someday.
I mean... what do you do with that? It's so sentimental you want to cry, but there's not a lot you can do. I could go outside and enjoy the sunshine like I always do... but technically, I know I can still do that next year if I wanted. I could hole up in my dorm room and take in every detail of this cramped little space, but what would that accomplish?
There's nothing I can do to take in the moment except... live. All I can do is let it slowly sift like sand through my fingers at the beach as I watch it trickle down into the waves, until it's indistinguishable from any other moment that ever happened while time has existed. Except, it meant something to me. But there it goes.
This is scary to me. I'm almost done with my freshman year of college, in fact, very very close to being done. I only have one normal class left of this semester! This was one of the most significant years of my life, and suddenly its almost over.
People say time goes by fast. I don't know if I agree or not. This past year has been a paradox of time inching by until I can hardly stand it, and at the same time a flurry of time rushing past me making me wonder if it was actually just yesterday I hugged my mom goodbye and walked back to my room for the first time.
Time is so precious. But it's not precious in a way that you can hold onto it and keep it forever. Sure, there's memories, but they only catch the moments, not the experience. Time is a wonder in fast-forward. Time is precious like the Northern lights or fireworks are precious. They're here in one shining moment for you to take in and marvel in its wonder, but it's gone forever the moment after and it's impossible to ever get back again. It's moving, and you have to take it in as you move along too.
But then there are moments like now... when you sit in the stillness and listen to everything around you, but nothing at all- people talking outside the building, cars bumping along in the parking garage, the quiet breeze, girls out in the hallway discussing events for the night or papers to write, your own fingers clicking along the keyboard as you describe your fingers clicking along the keyboard, and very faintly, your own heartbeat pulses in your ears just enough so you know you're alive, but nothing's wrong.
What do you do with these moments? Am I really living and taking in time by sitting here? You could say yes and no. I'm not doing anything, but I am. I'm listening, I'm being still. I'm taking in these moments- right here and now, just as I want to remember them. But I'm not really doing anything. Maybe if I were really living I'd be outside right now, dolled up for some party later tonight or pumped up for exploring the city on a wild adventure that I create.
What a paradox. What an annoying paradox.
I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with time, but I know how I'm going to. I'm going to take each day one goal at a time. Stop and enjoy it for a moment, snap a photo, and keep walking like a visitor at the zoo. What else is there to do?
.
.
.
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I wrote that earlier today. It was all going through my mind and I felt the need to post it. I get philosophical when I've only had 2.5 hours of sleep the night before.... It is how I've been feeling lately. I guess it wasn't until earlier today that I finally could find the words or right emotion to express it. I'm sorry if it sounds pessimistic... in a way, it is. But I promise you that I am still optimistic about both the rest of the semester and the rest of my time in college.
I said in my last post that I wanted to save last weekend for a post of it's own. Well, now it's going to be integrated into talking about the rest of the week, but that's ok!
I decided, last Saturday, that for the rest of the semester (and maybe throughout summer), I want to try to do something new every day. So far, I've been pretty successful!!
Friday I rode in an open convertible for the first time.
The day was adventure after adventure. I had my discussion session in the morning which I finally got up on time for, for once. Most of the day I spent being as productive as I could with homework and cleaning up, but I was also desperately searching for someone to go see a show with me later in the day. See, my Scene Study professor, John, was in a play for a couple of weeks performing at a theater way off-campus (near Hollywood), and since it was the closing weekend I really wanted to go see it. Since it was off-campus though, and in the evening, I didn't want to go alone. By the time the evening was rolling around, I was getting upset and starting to think that I wasn't going to get to go at all. Then, Kapil got back to me and said that he and Jake could both go!!! Remember Kapil and Jake? They were in Fortinbras with me! Yay for theater friends! What made it even more awesome was that Kapil has a car, and was willing to drive us there if we pitched in for gas. Yay!!!! Adventures!!!
So, that evening, Kapil picked me up after I grabbed dinner at EVK, and then we went to get Jake. Turns out his car is a green convertible too! I can officially say that I've been in a convertible, on an LA freeway, with the top down. The three of us looked like we could've been out of the 80s- we had the music blasting, and Kapil and I were both wearing jackets that can work both for 80s style and today.
The play itself was really, very good!! John was clearly the best actor, and had my favorite role. It was the lead role! He was really excited that we came to see it. I'm glad we did too! :) We discussed the play with him a little bit, but Kapil and Jake were both pretty hungry so we didn't stay for too long. Jake took us on the scenic route to LA Live, where we got food before I got dropped back off in front of EVK.
Besides the entire adventure of going off campus and getting to see a really great play that my professor was in, it was really good to see Jake and Kapil. I've missed my Fortinbras cast so much!!! I don't see them or talk to them nearly as often as I'd like to anymore. If any of you are reading this, we should definitely all hang out sometime. Or, just some of us, as long as I'm there and can see your awesome faces again.
Saturday was the first time I tried Sprinkles cupcakes and heard an organ recital/heard an organ play live... in general..
Hannah had some giftcards she needed to spend, so she had opened up a trip to Sprinkles cupcakes and The Last Bookstore to the girls on my floor. Turns out Jinny and I were the only ones who could actually make it!! That was alright though. We took the metro to downtown and got some amazing cupcakes, then walked to the bookstore.
I'd heard a lot about this bookstore before- apparently it was really cool in design, and cheap (they have a whole section where every book is $1). They're right, but it was more than just "cool," in my opinion. It was amazing. There were so many books and so little time!!! I ended up getting 5, (hey, Hannah had a giftcard, plus it was all inexpensive), but I'm going back there if I ever need a play. They have a huge variety of plays all for not much money!!! The one dollar room was a bit overwhelming for me though. It's nearly impossible to find anything in there!
Anyways, we took a bus back to SC, then the three of us all went to Leavy Library to work on the homework we neglected to come on this adventure. Then, I left early to get ready for a concert!
Ok, it was more of a recital than a concert. Actually, it was a recital, but still. I felt cool. Remember my friend Thomas? He had an organ recital that night, and I had promised I'd come! I wanted to go because a) when you have a friend that's played practically all over the world and is majoring in the instrument, it makes sense that you'd like to hear them play it for once and b) I've never heard an organ live before, that I can remember at least! If I have, it was a long time ago!
I took an Uber car there. I wouldn't mention it, but the most incredible thing happened when I was talking to the driver. Right away, I told him the address of where I wanted to go, and we started talking about my destination. I mentioned that it was a recital at a church, which really sparked his attention, so we talked about churches... or maybe I brought up my church at home. I don't remember. But he asked if I was a follower of Christ, to which I gave an enthusiastic (but still slightly cautious) yes. He actually started tearing up, he was so happy. Actually, he cried. He started telling me that I was the first customer he's had that's said they were a Christian too, and it meant a lot to him. He told me all about his story, how he was in a bad place and found himself doing drugs and drinking too much and being away from home often when he was younger (he's only 23), but his sister convinced him to go to church with her. When he did, he accepted Jesus and his life got completely flipped around. He stopped doing all of those old behaviors that were messing with his life in one day. One day!!! His old friends say he's completely changed, and he considered himself completely changed too. It was an incredible, powerful story... I didn't really know what to say when I was listening to it besides "Wow." And he had stories of other people he knew that were completely turned around because of a newfound faith too! One friend he had, from his church, stopped doing heroin- heroin!- in a DAY because of God's incredible power and Jesus coming into his heart. I was just... so inspired. Our God is a powerful, incredible God, guys. He changes lives.
So, when we finally got to the church, I was feeling awed and inspired already. It was the best Uber ride I've ever taken, just listening to this driver's stories and testimony. I don't have any other words for it. It was all just very inspiring.
Then of course, I heard Thomas play (finally) and he did an outstanding job! I'm really glad I went- the kid's got talent. Plus, I know he's worked really hard and has been super enthusiastic about the pieces he presented, which made it more fun to listen to. They were all really powerful and soulful, in my opinion. I was also really entertained not only by the music and watching Thomas play, but by trying to figure out how exactly the organ was working. It's a huge instrument.
Thomas's parents were kind enough to give me a ride back to SC afterwards, but we went to get food with his instructors before we went back, so I got to meet and talk with them both. Holy cow they're incredible people. I had a lot of fun talking with them!!!
Once we got back to SC, Thomas and I ended up hanging out and discussing the concert for a while. It was just going to be five minutes, but for some reason whenever we start a conversation it always lasts longer than we intend it to. That's the great thing about having friends that are easy to talk to, I guess!!!
Alright. Moving to Sunday.
The new things I did on Sunday weren't as extreme. For the show, I went to the Village Gate Theatre for the first time, and while I was there I downloaded a new app my friend Kennedy showed me. It's like Instagram, except it messages you at a random time during the day telling you to take a picture. Eventually, you end up with an "accidental photo book" from each day. It's called Room for Thought, and I'm enjoying it so far!!
I got up fairly late, but was able to work on homework before I headed to the show.
This one was campus-related! Students from both USC and UCLA joined together to put on a play called "Columbinus." It was showing last weekend at USC, and continues at UCLA this weekend, but I wanted to see it while it was nearby me. Plus, I had three friends in the show!
The play itself is about the shooting at Columbine High School 10 years ago. The subject is powerful, heavy, and thought provoking... it was also very emotional. By the end of it, I felt like I needed to cry even though I ended up not. It really makes you think about life, and how you treat the people around you. You hear all the time that how you treat people matters so much, and that a kind word or action can go so far, and that being yourself is the best person you can be. So "Columbinus" is almost frustrating, because you know all these truths about life but these high school kids just didn't get it...they didn't get it.
It's cathartic, but sad... I'm still reflecting on it whenever I think about it, nearly a week later. Overall, it was a beautiful show.
By the way, Kyle, Halley, and Bennett- you guys were phenomenal!!!!! Wonderful, wonderful work!!!! I know I've told you all this already, but still- I loved it.
I don't remember what I did with the rest of Sunday.... I think I did homework.
Monday was the first time I bought something picked out for me by a stranger.
It was a pretty typical day. I rehearsed our scene with Afton before class, and class went pretty well. Then, I finally had my academic advisement appointment!!! Also, I finally got to register for classes for next semester!!! At the moment, I'll be taking Ballet, a GE on Native American Stories, my next Acting class, the next Theater History class, Voice lessons again, and Intro to Business for Non-majors. Hooray.
After my sociology class, I went into the bookstore to pick up some thank you cards I could fill out for professors. While I was there, some beautiful journals caught my eye. I've noticed a friend of mine who keeps all her acting notes and work in a journal like this, and I'd like to do the same thing, since I'm learning so much and I don't want my notes all over the place. There were so many beautiful ones though, I was having a really hard time. Another girl was also looking through the journals and, as far as I could tell, having the same struggle. So I got an idea. I struck up a conversation with her, and confirmed that she was looking for a journal- she wants something she can record her dreams in to keep by her bed. So I said, "Can I suggest something crazy?" and offered to pick out her journal for her, if she'd pick out one for me, and I told her what I was looking for. So we did!!! It was so much easier to look for something for someone else than it is yourself. I found her a silver book with a cool woven design on it and a clasp, to keep her dreams secret. She got me a notebook with a golden and blue flower with a Safavid design. I decided to look past the design being Safavid, since the purpose for the book has nothing to do with spirituality and because the design is so pretty. It'll be my little golden book of acting!!! I talked to her a little after we each purchased the books (and thank you cards, for me!) though I don't remember her name. I do remember she was a Junior and an animation major though. Hooray, new friends!
The rest of Monday was spent with me busting my butt trying to get homework done. It was not as affective as hoped.
Tuesday was the first time I went to Leavy Library late at night.
Tuesday was all homework homework homework. I've been working hard to try and get stuff done since there's a lot on my plate, but for some reason I can never seem to do as much as I need to in a particular day. Also, on Tuesday I had to go to my 8am lecture for Theater 130 again. We had a review day for the final! It wasn't too bad, actually. I got to see the crew of Art of Success again, as well as the crew of Fortinbras!! I've missed those guys just as much as the cast!! They're so great!!
Well, I worked on homework, I guess. I don't remember doing anything else! I might've been procrastinating or cleaning up or talking to people or something, but anyways, I was still up working pretty late into the evening... around midnight or so. I was texting Thomas at the time, though, and he too had a lot of work to do. So, I had a crazy idea again- "Let's meet up at Leavy and work on homework together!" Keep in mind, it was just about midnight. But, he agreed, so we met up at the library and got some decent work done for a couple hours before giving up and heading back to get some sleep.
Wednesday... I had loose-leaf tea for the first time, and shared the majority of an all-nighter with friends for the first time!...unfortunately...
Wednesday morning, I got to class early again so Afton and I could work with John on our scene.... it was a bit discouraging. We're forgetting a lot of acting basics in our efforts to make the scene look like a scene. Plus, we're not memorized yet. Hopefully this weekend will change that!
But it was the very last day of our Scene Study class for the semester... :( We got to sit together and talk about acting, summer, the School of Dramatic Arts, and real world acting for a bit at the beginning of class, which was really nice and wonderful. I enjoyed it greatly!!!
It was also our last Sociology class! Tim let us out pretty early after we went over some logistics about our final exam. I'll miss learning from Professor Biblarz. He's a great guy!
So, Thursday morning I had two papers due- one for Writing 150 at 9:30am, and the other for Theater history (thtr 210) at 11am. I'd been working hard during the week on the writing paper, but had hardly touched the 210 paper... I worked on the writing paper all afternoon and into the evening, but things were going slow. Thomas and I decided to work in the library together again, since we both had a lot of work to do.
Having two papers to finish in front of me, with the goal of not pulling an all-nighter, stressed me out so much I actually had a panic attack without Thomas knowing it. At first, I thought I felt shaky and nauseous because I was getting really tired, so I ran all the way back to my dorm room to make myself some black tea to get me through to the late hours of the night, but the caffeine only made the shakiness worse. It took some serious focus and self-calming to get work done.
So, stressor #1- I had two papers to finish. Stresser 2 was the moment after I got tea when I suddenly realized that there was absolutely no way I was going to finish without being up all night, throwing my goal of getting enough sleep out the window. This is a big deal for me, and so I was getting really nervous about being low on sleep the next day. Stressor 3 was at about 2am when my computer started to get low on battery. I'd brought my charger, but none of the outlets in the entire floor of the library were actually working with my charger and computer. With all this, I decided to go back to the Pardee lounge to finish my work there.
I felt horrid. Not physically horrid, but mentally I felt like I was drowning, suffocating, in stress and worry and constantly trying to calm myself by saying that I was ok, I'd be fine, and I could do this. It's just a couple papers, right? I was on the verge of tears while we were walking back, actually, thanks to the stress levels. Luckily, Thomas was a very supportive, encouraging friend, and reassured me several times that I'd be alright and that I was able to get this done. I also ran into my friend Bennett, from my Scene Study class in the Pardee lounge. He too gave me some great encouragement to help get me motivated and calmed down.
I'm really lucky to have found great friends like these guys since I've been in college.
Motivation continued when I found that Sneha and Kate were also working on homework all night. Hannah too had a lot to finish! Plus, I was working in the lounge again, and Corona was in there, up late working. I saw all of them a lot as I was working, as I'd get up after every paragraph I worked on to go back to my room for something, or fill up my water bottle, or whatever, and I'd walk by them sitting in the hallway. It was great encouragement!
The last few hours, I was left on my own. It wasn't for long, at least. I finished the Writing 150 paper at around 6:20am, and class wasn't until 9:30, so I went to bed and was able to sleep for a good 2.5-3 hours before today started.
Today, Thursday, I did a lot for the first time!
-Explored a new spot near Parkside
-Witnessed the Fountain Run
-Stepped inside a USC fountain
I got up barely in time for my Writing class, but still made it and turned in my paper!!! We didn't have much to do and got out early, so I spent that extra hour between 10 and 11 finishing up my Theater history paper. I submitted it with 10 minutes to spare, then had to walk all the way out to Gateway to rehearse with a pianist.
Oh yeah, I have a voice recital on Friday. That's why.
My voice didn't sound great... I'm way too tired to be singing for a performance...
Well, the next big event of today was the last Theater History class of the semester. I don't think anyone was sad about seeing that class go, and even I felt a little rebellious knowing that I really didn't care what our professor was lecturing about anymore.
Well, it's over now. Hooray!!!
I did some homework, went to my last Sociology discussion session of the year, and then came back to my dorm room....
And sat here for a while.... really unsure of what to do...
That's where I wrote the passage that you see in the beginning of the blog... I was just thinking and reflecting, and those words came to me. So I wrote them into here.
Then I decided what to do- clean up, eat, read, and go to Intervaristy for once.
I walked to Parkside for dinner, and on the way to the IV meeting is when I saw a cute little general store right near the Parkside cafeteria! I went inside and explored it for a bit as something new to do. I was worried that this would be all I did that was new today, but at least it was something.
It was so nice to go to Intervarsity again. I saw some familiar, friendly faces, just as welcoming as always. It was Senior night, and the last meeting of the semester, so they were running the show. The whole time, I found so much joy out of worshipping to the music and listening to what the seniors had to say. It was refreshing and comforting, for sure.
As I was walking back, the USC tradition of the Fountain Run was just beginning. Seniors run all over campus, trying to jump in every single fountain that we have here, and let me tell you, that's a LOT!!! It's quite an event to witness, but I'm pretty jealous of them. That looks like a lot of fun, and I'll be looking forward to the event when I'm a Senior here :)
I got a bit of a headstart on that, actually. I happened to meet up with Thomas while I was out, so we talked for a while. Talking to people gives me energy, and so I got another crazy idea. We were already near the big swimming pool-looking fountain near Leavy, and there were lots of people already inside of it and around it, so, really quickly, I kicked off my shoes and stepped in.
It felt a lot grosser than I expected. Lots of dirt, and a little deeper than I anticipated (up to my knees!!!), but not cold!!! Still, it was exhilarating and I'm glad I did it :)
And now, here I am... up too late again, writing my blog.
A year ago today, I made the official decision to come to USC. Tomorrow, I will have my very last real class as a Freshman in college. I don't think it's hit me yet, or that it will until during/after the class... Right now, all I can feel about it is partially what I wrote about in my rant before, and also just that I'm excited to see how I will be feeling. I hope I'm sentimental about it though. It's an appropriate emotion for this kind of thing.
I'll write about it tomorrow, when it happens. For now,
Fight on, friends.
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